CPA Bum

I notice a lot of people are now committing suicide. Well, most of them are public people that’s why we’re informed. Up to this time, it’s still trending on twitter. The recent death of Tyrone Perez. While still checking out confirmations of the fact over the internet, I stumbled upon these two tweets coming from Bianca Gonzalez and Camille Prats:

I couldn’t agree more. It’s frustrating. :(

Allow me to share with you a couple of things that have been going through my mind for the past few days (or weeks, I’ve lost track).

First, I’m bothered by the correlation between age and achievements. I’m turning a bit older in a month and along with that comes the following questions, “Where are you right now in terms of career?”, “How far have you gone since high school?”, “Have you achieved a thing or two?”, and last question (but definitely not the least), “Are you any near to attaining the answer you gave when you were asked about “how you see yourself 5 years from now” after college, which was 2 years ago?”

Isn’t it difficult to think about such questions at this point? Especially in my case, how can I not be flustered when I answered wrong to that last question. To give you a hint, my answers came from the idea that I’d earn big bucks after passing the CPA board. I was wrong. It didn’t happen to me. And it doesn’t happen to anyone.

The second thing that’s been bothering me is adulthood. I thought being the eldest is the toughest job I’ve experienced, until I started feeling adult and needed to act as an adult. My decisions can make or break my future, my life. You see, there’s a lot of responsibility when you become an adult. You have to earn not only for yourself but also for others you love and care for. You don’t have back-ups anymore when things go wrong. You have to settle things by yourself. You now have a life to hold and maintain, yours. Sure, we made decisions before that we considered difficult but this time, it’s entirely different because this is the future you’ve been talking about and working on in the past. During adolescence stage of life, it is okay to make mistakes, to choose the incorrect option. There will always be the oldies who will back us up in case we go down the road. But during adulthood, no, it’s not acceptable. We are now the older people that the young ones look up to. Yes, freedom is endless but the responsibility is just so heavy… And sometimes, burdensome.

Life, in another, is the last major concern I have ever since I-can’t-remember-when. I’ve shared with you my thoughts about death on my Eulogy entry, and I am still in awe about the fact that everything in this world is uncertain. Things always have to end. Nothing’s permanent. The things we bought using our allowance from our parents, things we purchased with the use of our own earnings, memories we have of the places we had been to, friends we struggled to keep, relationships we invested in, money we worked hard for, enemies we fought against… all those would END. And unfortunately, we don’t know when. Everything is just so uncertain.

News flash: Life can be easily taken away from us.

We know for a fact that life is short but, apparently, we always forget to act about this. I assume it’s because we know persons who are living old aged. We believe we’d reach 50 or 60 years. However, we may not. We may die early. We may leave this world earlier than we expected, or even wanted. Yes, we all understand this kind of things, I know, I know. But most of the time, admit that we ignore them. We act like it’s not gonna happen!

This I say, we can start living each day of our life as the last. Live like it’s the last day. As my high school teacher would always remind us, “do not wait for tomorrow, what you can do today.” Very cliche, but seriously, we don’t pay attention to these things. I, for one, is guilty. 

How about you?

(Forgive the incoherence, I can’t compose my thoughts all at the same time. They’re just so many. It makes me frustrated to not tackle everything. Oh well.)

As I’ve tweeted last night, I couldn’t get over AJ’s sudden death due to vehicular accident. He suffered from multiple head injuries. It was only at night that I had caught up to the news I missed yesterday (cos I was only checking out for updates via twitter). One of the things that came out was this letter AJ made for his future girlfriend. The same was featured and published on Candy magazine. Have time to read to know that he’s definitely one of the sweetest.

Dear Future Girlfriend,

I’ve already come across many nice girls, all of them gorgeous in their own way, but like you, I am still searching. I don’t think it’ll be too hard, because I don’t really demand too much- after all, I am not looking for Ms. Perfect, I am looking for Ms. Right. Physically, you may be the simplest girl in the room, but there has to be that certain something about you that I find charming. It will be nice, of course, if you have positive attitude and an interesting personality. I hope that you can be understanding and supportive of the things I do and the things that are important to me. It will be great if you can make me laugh! There are no dull moments with someone that I know is funny.

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I was eating my lunch at my area today while I overheard some conversation about death. Some said she doesn’t want to get a cancer or be hospitalized cos she’d get ugly when dead. How would other people look at her on the casket, she questioned. Hehe.

Coincidentally, I thought about the same this morning, on my way to office. I found myself thinking on how I want to get expired. Like life expiration. Death. Surprisingly, what I want now is different from what I wanted before.

Before: I wanted it to happen silently, preferably when I was sleeping that everyone would just get shocked for my death. No preparations needed. No one would expect about it. It would just suddenly happen. Then all my loved ones would mourn for a week or two. Many people would visit me cos I’d touched their lives in the way I didn’t really think so. I’d secretly want them to regret a single bit for not making me feel loved the way they truly felt before I passed away. Then they’d move on. They’d forget about it, but not totally since they’d visit me every now and then. To talk to my grave, to tell stories, just like when I was still living, to update endlessly about love life, sex life, family life, work life, or everyday life. That was how I wanted it to be.

However, now: I think it’s better if I’ll die with cancer or something that will make me stay in the hospital for quite a while. I realize I like my loved ones, family, and friends to have preparation for my death. I actually desire to hear their eulogy for me. I feel like hearing how I’ve touched their lives and affected them in so many ways I didn’t even expect. I, myself, want to be prepared also for my own death. I like to be able to feel I’ve been appreciated. I want to know how they think about me. I want to know the goods (yes, only the goods. Who would want to get depressed on the process of dying, eh?) I’ve been able to impart to them. I’d want to know how I’ve influenced them. Because, really, I want to know I’ve made good in living this life I just borrowed.

Apparently, we can’t choose how we are going to die. It’s been planned by the Most High, and that’s the best for us. But given the chance, how about you, have you thought about it? How would you want life to end?