That’s the thing.
I made plans, tried to work on it, failed on the first attempt, and so put everything about it aside. Then, I start a new plan again. Same cycle… every… single… time.
How come I cannot stick to something for a long time? I change my mind as quickly as I change my mood (and that is saying a lot).
What is wrong with me.
For the first time in eight months, I miss my previous job.
And that is saying a lot.
Dreams and reality really confuse me.
Two nights ago I was in a bar celebrating my friend’s birthday. It was so fun I kind of had too much to drink.
You know what’s good about drinking and experiencing getting a little bit dizzy once in a while due to alcohol? It’s that you learn how you act when intoxicated. How many bottles do you take before getting tipsy? Who takes care of you when everyone else is drunk and/or busy pursuing other people? Do you still have the strength to throw up properly? Do you talk a lot? Or do you even make sense at all? Do you become touchy or emotional to people around you? Do you cry? How long before you go back to your sober state of mind? How do you cope up? How do you go home? Most importantly, do you remember everything? Being able to answer these questions means you know more a lot about yourself than a normal person does.
Yesterday, I was browsing my instagram feed when I stumbled upon a drawing of two hands holding each other. A certain feeling came through that reminded me of holding someone else’s hand at my friend’s party. It was so unclear. I was unsure. But the vision and feeling were nothing but real. Until today, I can’t remember exactly who I was holding hands with.
But then again, I always dream about the good stuff like that. So who knows, maybe it was only a dream.
That certain day in a year when you feel very blessed and loved by people you cared most, not to mention by people you couldn’t care less for.
Last week, I felt so sad and frustrated. No one remembered my birthday, at least not the people I wanted to. I cried for hours about it. How could I expect new friends to “remember” it when they didn’t even “know” it just yet. I was stubborn, I know. Or maybe it was all my hormones whispering negative thoughts to my ear, while my soul nourished every word of it.
Finally, I’d gotten over it on Friday. I treated (together with my co-celebrator) my 120+ colleagues in the department a cup or two of taho for breakfast. I planned to serve merienda for my group, as well, but, there were already boxes of pizza on the table. So, I thought I would treat them on Monday, instead. However, I was really having a bad day that Monday (well, who doesn’t anyway), hence it didn’t push through. Come Tuesday, one of my managers treated us for lunch. Now I conclude, it was never going to happen. Better save it for next year.
I didn’t really have any plans for the salubong. I just invited everyone to go to a certain place at a certain time and we were just going to have fun any way possible. After having dinner with my family, I headed straight to the venue. Luckily, I wasn’t stood up. There were friends who came in to celebrate with me. Despite the absence of #1 and #2, the declared (by my friends) #3 was present and I couldn’t be happier. We transferred to another place and danced the night away. I was sober the whole time. And it was okay.
Of course, you know this means I wasn’t.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m feeling lost. And lonely. And sad. And frustrated. All at the same time. How effed up is that, right? I went to work yesterday an hour late in the morning, and five-minute late in the afternoon, which should never have happened because I didn’t really go out of the office. This morning, I was struggling to get up from my bed, despite the fact that I slept earlier than the usual last night. And yes, I was late again.
This feeling. It’s very different from the aftermath of the previous major events of the year, i.e. Sinulog, 7107 IMF, and the most recent LaBoracay. It’s negatively different.
I don’t know why.
I wish I do. But I don’t.
Whatever, this is all because of my old age.
"I was just trying to make a conversation."
I didn’t know if it should make things better or worse. But it hit me.
It’s been six weeks since I moved in.
I miss everything and everyone in this picture.
I miss Boracay livin’.
Memories of the first day are keeping a smile on my face.
We talked like high level prisoners. Conversations without really looking at each other. It was fun. Whispering and avoiding getting teased. It was a mistake being afraid of having nothing to talk about anymore (‘cause I’ve known (more of researched and stalked) everything I could on the internet) because I actually have a lot more to discover about him (this time, stories are coming straight from him). In such a short period, I learned his plans for the Holy Week, when he graduated, his ex, his previous job, his parents, where he lives, his route, his sport, his training schedule. Oh boy. And the most important gesture, he took the initiative in opening up a conversation with me. I was so nervous of not being able to do that. Thank God he did.
So there’s really this stage. Quarter life stage. Two years ago, I couldn’t wait for time to pass me by. Now, I’d trade anything to delay it. This is by far my favorite time in life. You’ve grown up to be responsible at doing whatever you wanna. Hence, you can do anything. You are invincible in your own litte way. My point is.. there is always sunshine after the rain. Whatever you’re going through, get the best of it, as it will never last. (Screen captured on timehop app, you must download!)
So this is it. One sleep left…
I know I’m a fool for making a big fuss about this. I can’t help myself, though. Maybe because I know too much of that I shouldn’t.
Good thing I’ve good friends to remind me to take things as they are. Don’t think too much. If it fails, it fails. If it works out, then it works out. Normally, as how life in general should be.